Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Abridged
by The lovable writer
Summary: A cut down parody of the so-so hit movie
1. Chapter 1

**_Yeah, I can't stop making them abridged works, I'm just to full of enthusiasm for writing, providing one viewer reviews, I'll be happy. But seriously though, review! I need the acceptance of total strangers, it what keeps me going, that and late night orange juice..._**

"Wow, it feels like I've been in that trunk for years, 16 years to be precise." Indy (Indiana Jones, I'm abreviating, I'm lazy!) notes.

"Dr Jones, you will show us where one of the boxes is." Sexy Russian lady (I can't be bothered to type her name alright!) demands.

"You brought me here! the box place from RotLA! Oh hell. George Lucas is making nods to fandom. I have a bad feeling about this."

"You will show us the box with the alie..." Sexy Russian Lady begins.

"No. Don't say it!" Indy barks.

"What, the alien...?"

"No. This is a parody and fan-fiction, we're going to ignore that plot line for as long as possible, like we're going to ignore a variety of things that did and did not happen in this film!" Indy yells.

"Why?"

"Because fandom knows best, and no matter how controversial I make this, all my reviewers are going to agree that!" Indy says.

**_Dude? Is this how you normally write this?_**

**_Shut up Joe and let me rant!_**

"Apparently it's very magnetic, and despite several laws of physics it happens to pull gun powder in a general direction." Indy explains.

"O.K. All men unload all you weapons so we can find this box. This can't possibly be an elaborate trap." Russian General orders.

"I'm a traitor by the way." Mac reminds.

"Nobody cares Mac. Bye!" Indy yells.

"After him." Sexy Russian Lady orders.

"Ha! Nobody can defeat the whip! Oh yeah, come on fan boys, you know you love it! I'm the one man who can pull of having a whip like this." Indy exclaims.

"Curses! The whip! The hat! The satchel! The fandoms to much, retreat." Russian General orders.

"Oh yeah! Now to never use the whip usefully again. Come on! What else you got." Indy goads.

"Dropping atomic bomb in 10 seconds. In other announcements, this entire scene was avoidable George."

"Is that it?" Indy laughs.

**_If you haven't seen the following scene, well, yeah, just, yeah, you know..._**

**_At CIA head quarters/ Sacred Heart Janitors office..._**

"We represent the CIA! How the hell did you survive an atomic bomb blast with just a lead lined fridge." Janitor interrogates.

"The fridge! I didn't need that! I just wanted to make it look realistic." Indy explains.

"Sir! That's the most insane statement I've ever heard! Get the hell out!" Janitor rages.

"That's it? Isn't this storyline going to continue throughout the film?" Indy asks.

"Yeah, I reiterate, get the hell out!"

**_At that collage, I don't know how to spell colledge, so spell check may have screwed me over..._**

"Anyway students to conclude. You really can survive a nuclear explosion in a lead lined fridge, you just have to believe! And with Star Wars, every plot hole can be explained by the force did it."

"Thank you Mr Lucas for talking about, "Why my plots do make sense." Now get out." Indy informs.

**_After..._**

"Indy. You're fired I'm afraid." New Professor says.

"Shame. Lifes pretty rough. What with my Father...

**_No, we're changing that, so there..._**

"What with my Father being perfectly fine. On that ranch in the country, with wide open meadows, and brilliant food, and a constant supply of Vodka Martini's, shaken, not stirred, the way they should be served." Indy says.

"Uh, yeah Indy."


	2. Chapter 2

**_Now boarding train to no where in particular, currently loading, slowly but surly fading actors..._**

"I'll be back!" Schwarzenegger yells.

"Sure Arnie, now get on the damn train, it's my franchise now." Christian Bale laughs.

"Hay, you can't send me away! The Mummy was my damn franchise!" Brendan Fraser demands

"Well it's mine now, don't worry, I imagine the franchise wont last longer than Paris Hilton's prison sentence judging by the last one."

"O.K Hayen Christian, get on the train." Train operator says.

**_Hang on, Hayden Christians, isn't his career going quite well?_**

**_Yeah well, I'd just really want him on a train to no where, now stop breaking the fourth wall Joe!_**

"Well, goodbye cruel world. Guess you don't need a guy to kick Nazi ass anymore." Indy sighs.

"Wait, stop this train! We need Indy!" Mutt cries.

"Why?" Indy asks.

"Because my Moms been kidnapped, Marion!" Mutt replies.

"I know a lot of Marion's." Indy retorts.

"Oh come on, the audience all bloody know who it is! Now come on!" Mutt snaps.

"Hay no fair! You can't just reboot a career like that! What about me!" Sylvester Stallone demands.

"Oh, go make another Rambo trilogy!" Indy replies.

**_In seemingly calm Happy Days set..._**

"Well this is seemingly calm." Mutt notes.

"What's your name?" Indy asks.

"Mutt." Mutt replies.

"Mutt?" Indy asks.

"I'm named after a dog, HINT HINT!!"

"Indian Jones, we have come for you."

"Oh no, the Grim Reaper again! Oh wait it's just Communist agents, few." Indy exclaims.

"Aren't you worried?" Commie asks.

"Listen, I've handled hundreds of generic henchman in my time." Indy laughs.

"Maybe we're not generic." Commie suggests.

"What's your names?" Indy asks.

"Uh?"

"You don't even have names! Are you going to have any lines after this? You're extras! Mutt, punch Fonzie over there and spark a riot. We'll than escape in the chaos on your motorbike in a action packed yet humorous chase." Indy thinks aloud.

"Wow, that's pretty impressive." Mutt assesses.

"I've been doing this for a while kid." Indy smiles.

**_After action packed yet humorous motorbike sequence..._**

"What do we do now.?" Mutt asks.

"We fill the next scene with moderate levels of exposition, thus giving the effect that what we've said is actually true." Indy decides.

**They do exactly that...**

"To Peru!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Welcome to a Peruvian jail. The chambers of blood are to your left, the hall of empty howling is on your right." Jail head informs.

"Where would we find the cell Professor Oxley was in?" Mutt asks.

"That would be second left after the insanity chamber, 1st door along the corridor of eternal torment in the twisted minds." Jail head answers.

"That sounds dangerous?" Mutt wonders.

"Oh don't worry it's just a name." Jail Head assures.

**_In the corridor of eternal torments of the twisted mind... don't worry, it's just a name..._**

"Must get it back. Must get it back now. Must get it back soon. Should probably get it back soon. Maybe I'll get it back later. Must get back cameo in Hellboy. It's official, he's insane." Indy reads.

"I though they said the corridor of eternal torment was just a name." Mutt asks.

"What I meant to say was it's just a cell cell block." Jail Head corrects.

"Look! Writing I hadn't read yet, "If you wish to advance the plot to a tropical location, go to the grave of Francisco de Orellana. If you wish to advance the plot away from aliens, do nothing, go home, and imagine this never happened, personally I'd recommend the latter option." Indy reads.

"Did The lovable writer write that?" Mutt wonders.

**_Maybe..._**

"Well screw you! Lets find those aliens!" Mutt announces.

**_Hang on, isn't this my story?_**

**_In Graveyard... apparently not than..._**

"O.K gang, we need to split up and search for clues." Mutt exclaims.

"Yeah, lets find the dead body, I'll be Fred." Indy decides.

"But your always Fred, I want to be Fred." Mutt pleads.

"Shut up Scooby."

"Hay, my name is Mutt thank you."

**_Search ensues..._**

"Gang! I found a body, Ah, it's melting! This doesn't normally happen in Scooby Doo! That'd make it cool!" Mutt screams.

"Look, a crystal skull! This is going straight on E-Bay!" Indy announces.

"What about the Aliens?" Mutt asks.

"Your right, we'll take photos of the aliens, and sell it to Lucas Productions, maybe they'll make a movie out of it. Called Star Trek." Indy ponders.

**_And the circle of life continues..._**


	4. Chapter 4

**_For the record, I'm typing this while watching Independence Day..._**

"Well we've found the crystal skull. Now lets get get out." Indy says.

"This is looking promising." Mutt notes.

**_Outside the cave, the aeroplane just blew up after flying into the weird Storm thing! Wait, wrong film... just an army of Soviets..._**

"I've betrayed you again." Mac reveals.

"Nobody cares!" Indy yells.

"Wow. That Russian is hot. You know The lovable writer really doesn't make that much sexual jokes. I'm going to make some."

**_No! I'm in charge of my own story so shut up! I'm trying to stick to my K+ Rating._**

"No. Hay Sexy Russian lady I'm a student. I don't know if you want to come to my mass-debating society. It's great the mass-debating. Works well with this guy Eric Shaun. So your looking for aliens, will there be any anal probing involved." Mutt suggests.

"Shut up, now to South America!" Sexy Russian Lady exclaims.

"It'll be a long journey. We could do some mass..." Mutt begins.

**_Shut up and get on with the damn story!_**

**_After a long travel. By the UFO's across the giant desert, and Hollywood, and Will Smiths house, sorry, wrong film again, anyway, in South Africa. For the record, a long time just passed between the last senteanse but it's a break, better work fast..._**

"Welcome to are Russian camp. As you can see, we have a variety of stereo type Russians dancing over there. However there is also Dr Oxley and Marion Ravenwood." Sexy Russian women informs.

"Indy! You left me in Indian Jones 1 to have sex with a series of beautiful women. Than left me pregnant at the alter!" Marion yells.

"We haven't actually revealed I'm his son yet." Mutt reminds.

"And don't blame me. Blame my Dad. I had to grow up next to a man who had sex with 3 women every time he appeared on screen. At least I did the latter pregnancy off screen." Indy explains.

"And I didn't even get any screen time for that." Marion yells.

"I repeat, we haven't revealed he's my Dad." Mutt reminds.

"Shut up Mutt!" Indy retorts.

"Whatever, Oxley. We read the writing on the wall. Did you get the cameo in Hellboy 2?" Mutt asks.

"I got the cameo, but I had to act to a young Hellboy. It was weird, it drove me insane, also the crystal skull had some effect I'd imagine." Oxley ponders.

"We need to find the skull. This random map will help. Of course, that's the answer!" Indy deduces

"Escape attempt!" Mutt yells.

_An escape attempt ensues! Quick sand stops them!_

"Now tell us where to find it!" Sexy Russian Lady yells.

"Escape attempt again!" Mutt yells.

_An escape attempt ensues! They crash the car!_

"Now tell us where to find it!" Sexy Russian Lady demands.

"Escape attempt! With killer ants!" Mutt yells, again.

_An escape attempt ensues! They succeed!_

"By the way, I'm not a traitor anymore." Mac reveals.

"Nobody cares!" Indy yells.

**_To be continued, now back to helicopter being blown up by the flying saucer!_**


	5. Chapter 5

**_On large CGI river..._**

"Oxley! How do we get this Crystal Skull back to its home?" Indy asks Oxley.

"We go down three waterfalls. Each one bigger, deadlier, and more scream inducing than the last." Oxley replies.

"Who's stupid idea was that?" Marion contributes.

"The great Inca Leader, George Lucas." Oxley answers.

**_First waterfall of Death..._**

"I'm soaking wet, in more ways than one." Mutt whimpers.

**_Second Waterfall of even greater Death..._**

"For some reason we're all still alive and the boats in tact." Indy notes.

**_Third waterfall of considerable death but not as much death as the second..._**

"We're now at the temple of the crystal skull." Indy announces.

"So the movies nearly over?" Mutt asks.

"Yeah." Indy answers.

"Thank Goodness! Aliens, magic, ancient civilisations, it'll be much easier when I get back to giant robots disguised as cars." Mutt sighs with relief.

"And it'll be much easier when I get back to my film career..." Marion says.

**_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._**

"I'm never going to have a notable role after this am I?" Marion sighs.

"That's not necessarily true, we might get a sequel." Indy replies.

**_In Temple of the Crystal Skulls... Russian troops arrive and capture Indy and his gang, very original..._**

"I'm a traitor again!" Mac reveals.

"Nobody cares again!" Indy retorts.

"Now let us return the the skull to it's resting place and gain eternal knowledge." Sexy Russian Lady replies.

"Hang on, this seems awfully familiar to Raiders of the Lost Arc." Indy remembers.

"What happened?" Mutt asks.

"Give me a moment to remember, it was 21 years ago! Let me think. They did the ritual. And people started saying ah." Indy recollects.

"As in, ah, I understand." Mutt asks.

"No. More like..."

"AHHHH! The agony, my career as a generic Russian extra is over!" Generic Russian Extra screams.

"That's the one. Quickly gang, lets get the hell out!" Indy orders.

The Aliens arise from their sleep, rising, standing, and announcing...

"E.T, Phone Home."

**_WTF! Ah! What do I care! My undedicated uncaring fan-base never review anymore anyway, or do they, HINT, HINT..._**


	6. Chapter 6

"I order you E.T the Extra-Terrestrial! Bestow upon me all the knowledge of the past, present and future!"

"Very well! See the future. Earth 2008."

**_Star Wars: Clone Wars, the animated movie!_**

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Sexy Russian Lady yells before her head explodes in a manner similar to Raiders of the Lost Arc.

**_Meanwhile back with the Indy gang..._**

"Macs being sucked back in!" Mutt states the obvious.

"Congratulations, care to state anything else completely obvious!" Oxley snaps.

"You're ripping that joke of Shatstealer2 from that YouTube video you watched last night." Mutt states the obvious again.

"Behold, the fan-boy whip I haven't used since the start of the movie." Indy yells.

"It's from another planet, it's immune to fan-boy memorabilia!" Marion reveals.

"Don't worry, Indy, I'll be alright. And I'm not a traitor anymore." Mac reveals.

"Mac old buddy. Nobody cares." Indy reminds.

**_Outside, a CGI spectacle occurs. Waterfalls, landslides, a giant UFO..._**

"Wow, that kind of made up for the bizarre plot." Mutt wonders.

**_With Indiana Jones 5 not being likely, and Marion probably never going to be in another notable film ever, the pair agree to get married..._**

"Do you, Henry "Indiana" Jones Junior take Marion Ravenwood to be your wife?" Priest asks.

"I do." Indiana Jones says.

"Than I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may end the movie."

"Hay! The hat. With this I begin the Mutt Jones franchise..." Mutt laughs.

"Oh no you don't! If I'm not in Indy 5, no one is! Now give me that hat, I need it along with the whip!" Indy mutters.

"Why?" Mutt asks.

"It's me and your Mommy's wedding night. Do the maths. Now get the hell out!"

"Oh I'll get the hell out. I'll get the hell out and I'll never come back, ever, ever, again. Hang on, that sucked. Can I try again."

"Yeah. I reiterate, Get the Hell Out!"

_And they all presumably lived moderately happily ever after, if you discount The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles..._

**_Sob, sob, sob, it's just so emotional!_**

**_I know The lovable writer, I love a happy ending!_**

**_No, not just that, but my fan base don't review anymore, HINT HINT..._**


End file.
